Continuing on with our London Relocation version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” to make your international relocation  festive, the next line in the original is: “On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens.

Please join me in now singing our Christmas carol:

“On the third day of Christmas, London gave to me…

PRETTY FRESH HENS…”

I don’t mean poultry, although there are often feathers involved. I’m referring to the human species of female that dolls up in crazy and/or slutty fancy dress and steps out with her bride-to-be pal and their pack of flashy kindred spirits. You probably know this best as a “bachelorette party,” but here in Britain, it’s called a “hen do.” The male bachelor party equivalent is the “stag do.” Whichever “do” you’re doin’, you can expect to do it big. They’re pretty entertaining to encounter, although I haven’t yet seen the hens outdo the stags where outrageous humiliation of the guest-of-honor is concerned. I’ve heard of a London stag do that entailed shaving half the groom’s body (half his head and one eyebrow included) and sending him passed out on a train up north to Scotland. Or slipping Viagra in the groom’s pint and having him wrestle women in bikinis in a baby pool of KY jelly. And they always entail a costume….be it a Mexican wrestler, ballerina, race car driver (“The Stag” versus “The Stig” from Top Gear), whatever, as long as it’s conducive to mooning later on (if you watch the TV documentaries Booze Britain or Boozed up Brits Abroad, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about). I’d say the ladies approach it all a bit more civilized, but the Kaiser Chiefs “Angry Mob” video implies otherwise: www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z5kEqRFPwo.

If you’re looking for hen party ideas after your move to London, there are plenty of websites like www.henheaven.co.uk, www.gohen.com, www.hennites.co.uk, or www.thestagandhencompany.co.uk. On second thought, maybe you should just play it safe stay nestled inside your new London apartment. 😉

And now, to continue caroling:

“…sea turtle tanks,
and a cartridge to hunt in country.”